Venting...

The only thing that people in my family know how to do is judge others and run their mouths. I am so sick of them and I am not going to open up about anything again. Most of the things I tell them will be half-truths and I may subtly try to irritate them just to piss them off and be annoying (they definitely deserve it).

At a time when I am still trying to find myself and determine what I want in life, they are among the biggest joy kills that this world can bring. They do not know boundaries nor do they realize how aggravating and annoying I find them. It will be a great day when I can choose how infrequently I want to see and interact with them. I won't have to listen to any more bullshit and drivel that comes out of their mouths.

They are so proud and they think that they are so good. Everything is a competition. I hope that they feel remorse and regret when they have driven a wedge in their relationship with me. There is already a divide between us and there is no way that it can be repaired in my opinion. I have lost my trust and most of my respect for a select group of them.

The grind of work has made it paramount for me to be completely mysterious and indifferent towards having a relationship with them. Sometimes I just feel sorry for them that they do not realize how messed up and warped they are. I am using these things as my motivation to move out and live away from them. I will feed them half-truths and never ever be open with them. After the grief and pain that they have caused me, I need to send a statement that they do not matter to me and I am not interested in maintaining a relationship with them. It is important to cut out the toxins and poisons in your life no matter what or who they are.

I will think of a day when my future wife and future children will not have to be under their sphere of influence. It will be so liberating to know that they do not own or control what I do with my life or with my time. I wonder if they can sense my disdain for them. I'm able to hide it so well and act so polite and cordial.

My Struggles and My Dreams

I feel so stuck. I am in a situation where I am not appreciated and I am being criticized constantly. As long as I am in this situation, I will never experience another moment of peace. I know that people say that they care and in their own way they do but I feel as if I have lost my basic respect and dignity in my current situation. I am starting to wonder whether they are dissatisfied with their own lives and situation or whether I am just making excuses for them because that's the kind of person that I am.
I feel that they are trying to get back at my dad by taking out all of their frustration and anger on me. Everybody just seems so volatile and I just cannot understand why they are like that. I have just about given up on trying to understand human behavior. It is just so messy and illogical.

I'm curious as to what right do people think they have criticizing me when their own flaws are so blatantly obvious.

It's just the way that people around me talk. It's driving me crazy because I am not used to it and I'm not sure if I want this to be the new norm. I am trying to figure out how to solve the root of the problem and not be in this situation anymore but things are shaping up to be the way that they are and I feel unsure as to how to escape this situation.

I hope that I won't be so sensitive and that I will learn from the mistakes that I have made and that I won't take things for granted like I have my whole life. I hope to be more proactive and to take more initiative in rectifying my situation. I don't want to be looked down upon and I pray that I may find the strength to endure my current situation and emotional struggles and to improve it.

I never thought that I would be in the situation that I am in but all I can do is continue taking it one day at a time- both the good and the bad.

Candid Struggles....

Its been a while since I last posted. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster trying to seek approval from others. I find comfort in being able to talk about this. It feels as I am getting the burden off of my chest. I have to remember that there are people to talk to and to help me get through all of this. I am always the one initiating everything. I should be more proactive about finding a job and about my future. I just feel overwhelmed by all of it. My coursework makes me feel inadequate. It is difficult to concentrate. Maybe its not for me. I have to show that I am capable of seeing something to the finish (like a degree or a project). More on it soon as it is getting late and I need to get ready for bed.

Midweek thoughts before another School Day

I feel that I am really hard on myself. I am studying very hard and I have chosen a difficult course of study. I feel spaced out and a bit unmotivated when I am studying. I feel that I look at some of homework assignments and course material and feel that I can't figure it out. I'm trying to hang in there and not give up. It is through our trials that we truly learn the most about ourselves. I wish that this material would come a bit easier to me.

I find that it is frustratingly difficult to relate to people that I am not close with. I am trying to expend effort to do this but I feel people do not reciprocate. I wish that I could maintain focus better. I am thankful for what I have. I am trying to get over my weaknesses of being emotional and sensitive. I tell myself that I am making strides but sometimes I feel that it may only be temporary. I am going to get back to trying to figure out some of these concepts.

I also have to improve my ability to set goals and plan out how I want to achieve them. I feel that I struggle with a lot of self-doubt internally and I really want to be able to turn the corner with these issues. I want to be more honest with myself. I want to be more upfront with others but I am scared of exposing my weaknesses.

Some Thoughts on School and Life

I only have a bit more of the semester to get through before I am all done. I want to do well but lately I wonder how engaged I have been with school. I find it difficult to study for long stretches of time and I am almost used to mediocre or poor results in some of my classes. This is just a continual search for what is right for me.

I feel like I need a good rest but I would feel guilty if I didn't try hard to the very end. I also have feelings of inadequacy when I am not doing well in a class but I see others around me being able to handle the course material or the workload. There is a certain standard that must be met and perhaps I have not reached that level. I wish myself good luck with the rest of the school term and I hope that I can rise up to the occasion and produce my best effort and body of work.

I am lonely and I feel that I need others more than ever. But I just don't want to burden others. I know at this stage, this is something that I need to work thorough and figure out for myself but I should accept that whatever has happened, happened for a reason whether good or bad. I should try to look on the bright side and keep trying my best because things will eventually start going my way. Success doesn't happen instantly and I have to remember that I am not the only one going through conflict or school stress at the moment.

I wish that I was back home right now. I like school but we are all so busy now. I want to put mind to the matter and do well. I want to stay encouraged and understand that doing well in school is crucial. I feel that I am being pulled away and distracted from it and I want to re-focus on the task at hand.

I am also working through some emotional issues right now. I feel that I compare myself to others too much. I have unrealistic expectations about other people's attitudes and I wish that I was not so sensitive to it. I find it hard to open up to people around me and I want to feel assured that I am appreciated by others.

You have to be strong and you have to protect yourself because there are just so many jerks that will take advantage of how nice you are. Those are the people that I wish I never had to see again. But alas, we cross paths now and again.